I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
