my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
