Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
