Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
