It's a beautiful day for a hangover
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
