don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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