I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
