I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
