i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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