Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
