She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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