you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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