3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
