I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
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my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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