Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
