Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
