Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
