A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
