I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
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i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
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