The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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