I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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