peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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