I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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