If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
