Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
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At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
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I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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