i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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