my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
