i love accidental penises.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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