based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
