Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
