id be glad to
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
