I puked a lego.
My hand turned me down
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
