its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
