this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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