My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
