Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Randomize
