What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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