how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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