I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
