I heard we made out
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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