im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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