i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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