I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
