We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
