I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
