we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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