i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
