is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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