8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
