Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
