Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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