i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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