Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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