yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
