Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
