Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
