I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
